I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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