He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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