also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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