If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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