Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize