dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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