I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
