I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize