drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
