The best revenge is premature balding
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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