you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
