How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
