Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
