you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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