I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize