just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
