..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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