You're my little dorito
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize