take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
