im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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