my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
