took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
