rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
