Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
What a dumb baby whore.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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