Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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