I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize