i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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