I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
