I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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