if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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