i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
