the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
