Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
