so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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