If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
