i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize