so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
