god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
