The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
