just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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