...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
