I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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