were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
