You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
