He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
