that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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