i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
