so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
