The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
