Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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