dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
