Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
