is your mom at the bar?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize