i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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