Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
