Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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