the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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