we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
