In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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