dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
